Free to good home: Highly venomous sea snake; 1 not-so-careful owner...

When the lights dim and the film starts rolling, my mind gets all What?! Haven't I seen this shite already? It's a 2 star movie at best … Screw you guys, I'm going home!, and then it gets up and storms out, bitch slapping an usher on the way, and demanding its money back whilst PROTESTING VERY LOUDLY about the lack of quality entertainment these days...

These are just some of the ways I have almost met my maker:

• Impalement
  
• Shark(s)
  
• Pretending to be Patrick Swayze and surf the 50-year Winter Wave
  
• Swallowing 2lt of petrol during a Freak Siphoning Accident
  
• Drive-by shooting
  
• Crazy Teenage Gooks + skyrocket + my head
  
• Saying: "Yes, dear, your ass does look big in that".

Now it seems I may have to add Bitten By Deadly Sea Snake to the list.

A highly venomous Yellow-Bellied sea snake - closely related to the Cobra - probably swam all the way from the snake-infested land of Australia and washed up on our shores late last year. A band of marine scientists rescued it from the brink of death and now that it is all pissed off, hungry and like "I wanna bite-bite-bite and kill something" again, they want to release it on an island somewhere close to Auckland.

WTF!? This is a highly venomous snake. When I was watching a news item about this on the TV, the handler nervously made an aside about there being no anti-venom available and that if he got bitten, he "was a goner".

And these Sock Monkeys want to release it into the wild and hope that it behaves itself?
Why don't they just capture a gelignite-toting Osama Bin Laden, give him some KFC and a Swappa-crate of beer, then just release him into the community and say "There ya go, little fella. Run free…"

"It's under hot debate, I mean would you want it released at a beach near you?" says Kelly Tarlton's Underwater World operations manager Andrew Baker.

No fecking shit, Sherlock.
Just kill it, fools! If it can swim all the way from Australia, then it can certainly swim from where ever you plonkers plan to release it, and Catch Me Up at any one of my favourite surf beaches, or even come visit me at home:

(((dream sequence)))
Setting: My house, a Sunday morning

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
Me: "Who is it?"
Snake: "Lesbian super model!"
Me: (Hungover, opening the door) "Wha-?"
Snake: "Just kidding." (Bites me) "Nah, I'm a highly venomous Pelamis platurus, the fastest of all sea snakes. Just felt like dropping in and biting something. Anyways, See Ya!" (leaves)
Me: (death throes, squirming, mouth foaming, life not flashing before my eyes, etc) "urghhh…"

(((dream sequence ends)))

KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!