I like my blue ladies dressed up real pretty with ice and a touch of danger.
I put on my shades, laughed, and realised that when the high-octane effects allow me to watch slow-motion replays in the bathroom mirror, I'll probably smile and wonder who the hell I'm staring at … because he sure doesn't look like me.
The downside to accidentally swallowing a large quantity of petrol, other than the nearly dying bit, is that you really shouldn't smoke for some time afterwards. Or attempt to set your farts on fire. It's the whole internal-combustion thing. The upside is that refinery companies are willing to pay $5 for each urine sample supplied during the fortnight following Gaspiration.
To say I accidentally swallowed petrol is a bit misleading. I actually inhaled it. I had taken a deep breath in, and, at that precise moment, a thousand litres of petrol flooded into my lungs. The technical term for this is Chronic Chemical Pneumonitis, which roughly translates as "You're A Moron".
Some people believe the great Freak Siphoning Accident occurred while I was stealing petrol to gas-up my stolen car. Because that's what I told them. But the truth is more … pathetic.
I used to live out in the country. There were no petrol stations nearby, so we had our own supply. You had to put a hose into a large drum and then suck on it to get the petrol flowing so that you could siphon it into your vehicle.
The last time I'd gassed up the car, the drum was nearly empty and I'd had to suck hard to start the siphoning process.
I ass-umed that the drum was still empty and sucked Really Hard. It was then, of course, that I discovered that a petrol tanker had since paid us a visit…
Cue agonizing breathless minutes of watching my face go purple in the wash-house mirror as I desperately swallowed water in an attempt to reopen my airway.
I survived, just in case you were wondering.
But it was a close call.
The following days were spent enduring petrol-fumed eructation (etc). And staying away from open flames.
I also suffered severe brain damage from being starved of oxygen for so long, but, as far as I can tell, this has not affected me. Affected me.
In breaking news, Hillary Swank is a bio terrorist. She tried to destroy New Zealand.
Swank, a proud trailer trash-raised Oscar Winner, tried smuggling an apple AND an orange into New Zealand during a recent visit. She knew that what she was doing was forbidden, but she did it anyway.
This is clearly an act of bio terrorism. What if her apple and orange had escaped and cross-bred with local fruit? What then, huh? Did you think of that Ms Swank? Did you? Or was that your sick, twisted plan all along?
I only hope that the crippling NZ$200 fine serves as a warning to you other Big Shot Hollywood-Types who think you can just come down here and eat your own fruit...
