Big Bottom, Big Bottom, Talk about mudflaps, I ain’t got ‘em …
Folks, I'd like to be serious for a moment. For some time now, I have felt there was something wrong with me. And it wasn’t just because of all the people that sub-let space inside my skull.
It was just a feeling that Something Wasn’t Right.
So, last week, I decided to go to the doctor…
Test were done. I got the results back today, and, to be honest, it sort of feels like someone has rammed an ice-pick into my chest.
I have Noassatol.
What is Noassatol? A very good question. I’ll let Noassatol specialist, Dr Scott, explain:
“Noassatol is a tragic syndrome that affects men everywhere. Instead of having a nice firm bubble butt, men afflicted with this syndrome have no ass at all. Their blue jeans hang loosely where their round muscular buttocks should be. It's so tragic…”
Not so long ago I weighed 100kg, I had an ass, and was on my way to living out my lifelong dream of becoming Eric Cartman. (Beefcake!)
But I got sick of people asking “Who ate all the pies?”, and poking me and inquiring when my baby was due, and they got sick of me punching them in the face and yelling “I’M NOT FAT, I JUST HAVEN’T GROWN INTO MY SKIN YET, YOU SKINNY BITCH!”. So I’ve been exercising and I’m down to a lean 99.8kg now. But the wife is Very Unhappy, because she reckons my ass has disappeared. Like it just fell off while I was out for a run one day.
She’s embarrassed to be seen in public with me. I’ve had to get a prosthetic ass made up in an attempt to disguise my disorder.
I’ve had to go back to wearing a belt, or else my pants will fall down. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I actually remembered to wear underpants every now and then…
It’s sad. I was just trying to get my six pack back, so I could walk around in the summer time going, 'Hey, look at me. I have a six pack'. Instead of how I currently walk around, carrying a six pack…
So I do a couple of star jumps and my ass falls off. Gah-rate.
I spent Easter scoffing as many chocolate eggs as I could to try growing my ass back, in order to keep the missus happy, but to no avail.
I need help. Please send me cash and/or chocolate to:
Help D-Man Get His Ass Back
Auckland
NZ
P.S. D-Man Bites Dog in no way endorses the exploitation of the half naked men tucked away on Dr Scott’s site.
P.P.S. Is it possible to die from eating too much chocolate?
