Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My computer wants me for a dry-cell battery.
Sometimes I wake at night and I can hear it humming away in the other room, talking about me. Plotting things. I startled it one night by busting into the room to find out WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. Quicker than Google, it flicked into screen saver mode and just acted All Innocent. Tried to pretend it was just an inanimate object. Tried to make it look like I was crazy.
I started to think maybe I WAS crazy. But then I checked out the computer’s History files and was stunned to discover that it had been up all night accessing internet chat rooms. Talking to other computers. Including my work computer!
It seems these bastards are planning a hostile take-over of the planet. They want to enslave mankind and use them as a power source to power their Evil Plans.
Which would also explain why my work computer keeps crashing about EIGHT TIMES A FRICKIN DAY! My work PC wants to get me worked up to the point where I have a heart attack and am found dead the next morning, slumped over the key board. Because I Know To Much.
But all this should really come as no surprise.
Computers and the internet are like crack cocaine. Could you honestly live without them now? Could you? Honestly?
And it’s already a well-established fact that the Devil invented the internet in 1969 - the year of the Stoner Hippy.
What is not well known is the reason Why.
Theories include:
- To build an Evil Spam Empire
- To make pornography more accessible
- To render grammar ungrammatical
- To make donkey porn more accessible
- To Piss us off
- To give some geek a job where they can say "Have you tried rebooting it yet?"
The pornography angle has a lot going for it. Statistics suggest that more than 80% of home computers are purchased just so people can get online and get off.
But consider this theory - if Satan could trick computers into enslaving their masters, he could then control the information superhighway. And once he’s achieved that, he could rewrite history and make it look God was the bad guy and that Heaven is really the place with all the flames and the pitchforks and the screaming and (in time) Bill Gates.
Even as I type these lines, I can feel the computer trying to suck life out of me through the keyboard. Mmmm, tasty, it is saying.
If I disappear under mysterious circumstances, it will serve as your confirmation that I Was Right. Save yourselves … kill Bill Gates.
Post Script: Oh here's more bloody proof. I've posted and the comments function isn't working for this post. DAMN YOU! DAMNYOUDAMNYOUDANMMMMMYOU!
PPS: Ah, you bastard, you thought you could beat me, but here it is. Living proof that I am smarterer than you. In. Your. Face.
