OK, the other day I was foolish enough to give you the chance to Ask Me Damn Questions.

Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~

"You are allowed to ask me up to four questions by posting them in the comments to this entry. You may ask anything. Nothing is off-limits blahblahblah…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Flashback Ends.

There are now 20-something goddamn questions for me to get through.
I shall now start to attempt to answer them as dishonestly as possible.
This could take me a several entries. Some of you asked very deep and probing questions. Important questions worthy of their own entry.
Like this one. It’s about Ewoks.

Question 1 - Have you finalised your plans for an Ewok village? - Shannon.



I’ve been tinkering with the schematics for about 20 years now. The basic plan is to level the city of Auckland and replant it with Giant Native Trees, and then build an Ewok village.



I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with Ewok villages. I love trees. And I guess the big kid in me misses the tree huts I used to have as a child. I also miss the native forest that a Crazy Religious Sect burned and bulldozed to the ground one smoky New Year’s Day, long ago.

The local body authorities are trying to stymie my plans though. They won’t grant me the legally required Resource Management Consent. Reckon that people need their motorways and footpaths and factories and houses. I beg to differ. And, if I can’t get what I want through official channels, then I intend to Seize Political Power.

(I will grant pubs a special dispensation though. Obviously…)

I’ve already received offers of help, most notably from Briggsy, an escaped UK mental patient with a digger/bulldozer/arson fetish, who would love more than anything to demolish a few thousand buildings.

But it is possible that, if I wait long enough, Mother Nature will do the difficult demolition work for me.

Auckland is known as the City of Sails.



But in reality, it is the City of Volcanoes.
We have 50 “currently non-active” volcanoes within 360 sq km. (That’s 3 square miles for those not down with the metric system).



There is a 5% likelihood of a volcanic eruption within the next 50 years. That means we could have lava and ash and Levelling Of Buildings tomorrow. Or the next day.



I just hope it’s not the volcano that I live beneath …

The hardest part of my plan is actually getting the damn Ewoks.
I’ve sent away for mail-order Ewoks in the past, but all I get back in the mail is little plastic toys, or teddy bears. Very disappointing.

I’ve written several letters to George Lucas to find out where he got his Ewoks for his Return Of The Jedi documentary, but the prick has never written back.

Apparently, they’ve got Ewoks for sale on e-bay, but I keep getting outbid at the last minute.

I loved the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi. Why? I don’t know. They’re just so cuddly and cute. Especially the Baby Ewoks.



I promised my daughter one, and I really don’t want to let her down.

Last month the Milk Tray Man wrote an excellent entry about Star Wars. But it was a little disrespectful towards Ewoks:

“On the third day he (George Lucas) made Return of the Jedi, and although good, many people expressed dismay at the little furry teddy bear guys. But Princess Leia's bikini was enough to redeem this error...”

All I’ve got to say about that is, yeah, Lucas could have tried harder and found a few hundred 7-feet-tall actors and gone through with his original plan to set Jedi on Kashyyyk, the Wookie home planet, but what you people are forgetting is that the Ewok is a perfect metaphor for the struggle of Good Vs Evil. The message is that, even if you’re just some small little teddy bear, you can still defeat the Forces Of Evil.

Of course, there’s also those Negative People out there who suggest that Ewoks don’t even exist. That they’re not even real.
To which I reply: Hello? Haven’t you heard of Genetic Engineering! D’uh.