The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he didn’t exist.

OK, time to kill off the rest of these Damn Questions:

9: Do you wave/nod hello to other cyclists, or are you a miserable faced cyclist? – Shannon.

Hey, I’m not miserable faced, this is a medical condition. My mother always said I’d stay like this if wind changed …

Anyone willing to risk their ass on the roads I navigate is OK by me, so I’ll generally give them a bro nod. We have a pretty big cycling fraternity at work, so the chances are I’ll know the person anyway.

If my bro nod or “howzit?” are snubbed, I make a mental note to instead give that person a swift kick into the face of oncoming traffic in future.

10: When was the last time you made love to your wife and thought of her? (I refer you back to your Valentines day post). – Shannon.

Goddamnit woman!!! Are you trying to get my arse kicked?! She didn’t find it that funny the first time I said that joke, so She doesn’t need reminding.

For the record:
I…. ouch.
Always…ouch.
Think of…ouch.
My wife.

11: What is your favorite animal? – Cabin Boy.

Ewok.

12: What is your favorite colour? – Cabin Boy.

Black. Oh, that’s not a colour is it? It’s a shade.
Blue, then.

13: If we kidnapped you, and locked you in an all-white room with no furniture except a single all white chair, nekkid... (you, not the chair)... how would you feel? – Cabin Boy.

Perplexed, in a “how can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?” kind of way.

14: Do you ever get ingrown hairs on your head?- Brandi

No. But I wish I had a few more outgrown hairs.

15: What do you think of New Pope as opposed to Classic Pope?- Brandi

I remember once reading somewhere that people liked the Pope (JP2) because the Pope (JP2) smoked dope. And I remember thinking, well he’s OK with me then. Even if more people turned their backs on the church during his reign than those of other popes. His name was Carol. I remember thinking, that’s cool. Just cos you’ve got a girl’s name, doesn’t mean you can’t grow up to be God’s right-hand man.

I can’t say too much about the New Pope, Eggs Benedict the 16th. I haven’t read any thousand page biographies on him yet. The media had the predictable “Nazi” beat-up angle. He does have the misfortune of looking like the Emperor from Star Wars though.

I wish him the best. God bless.

16: How many times a day (on average) do you say the F-word?- Brandi

I don’t say the F-word very much at all. But I like writing it. Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck. Fuck.

17: Did OJ kill Nicole? - Brandi

No, Nicole was stabbed to death. Drinking orange juice had absolutely nothing to do with it.

18: What's your real name? – Briggsy aka Bog Scar Girl.

D-Man is not my real name. It’s not even a real nickname, seeing as only one, or maybe two, Real Life People actually call me D-Man. But it does make me feel like a superhero.

My real name is Kaiser Soze.

19: What is the best thing about being all growded up now?- MilkyNZ.

Who said I was grown up?

I guess the fact that I don’t have to eat my vegetables if I don’t want to. Unless my wife makes me. Then I have to.

20: What was the best and worst thing about growing up in (name of hicktown removed)?-MilkyNZ.

I actually grew up on a farm about half an hour from (name of hicktown removed). (Name of hicktown removed) was The Big Smoke by comparison.

The best thing was that I grew up living the outdoors life. And you could play your stereo loud without having to worry about the neighbours calling Noise Control.

The worst thing was having to milk cow-shitting cows. You ain’t lived until you’ve been shat on by a cow at five in the morning.

20: If you could have any job in the world (it has to be legal) what would it be?-MilkyNZ.

The “legal” bit’s a bit limiting, innit?

This has weighed on my mind for a few years now. Ever since I left “my career”.
I have no freakin idea what I really want to do. I have talent, just not the passion. For every great career you can think of, there are a number of cons. I like music. But I don’t sing or whistle or even hum very well. I have some basic guitar playing ability. I’m just not all that disciplined.

I guess I already have my dream job. I’m a father.

21: Do you own any toys (of any kind)? - MattelMichele.

A toddler. She amuses the hell out of me.
A mountain bike. A road bike. Some guitars. Surfboard. The Internet. A handful of Weapons of Mass Destruction…

22. What are your 5 favorite cd's? - MattelMichele.

New Kids On The Block- Hangin Tough; Wing – Dancing Queen; Celine Dion – Greatest Hits So Far; Vanilla Ice – Play That Funky Music; Rick Astley – Whenever You Need Somebody.

I’m kidding. Kid-ding!

It’s more something like this:

Velvet Underground – The best of; Straitjacket Fits – Melt; Bob Dylan – New Morning; Counting Crows – August & Everything After; Mark Curry – It’s Only Time.

But it really depends what sort of mood I’m in. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Leonard Cohen, Pearl Jam & Nirvana will probably be back on the list next month. And Vanilla Ice.

It’s NZ Music Month here at the moment. One album I totally plan to go out and shoplift is Beats Co-op - The sound inside. It’s the perfect mellow Sunday morning music. I recommend downloading The Other Side off the internet. If you like it, send me some cash and I’ll see that the artists get it.

23. Have you ever pole danced? - MattelMichele.

I have done Greek dancing and Spanish Salsa dancing, but I’m pretty sure that I have never done any Polish dancing, or danced with a Pole.

24. What is the weirdest meal you have ever eaten? - MattelMichele.

I’ve had snails, frog legs and jellyfish. The weird thing is that I liked all of them.

25. Have you ever run bucknakid through a thunderstorm? - MattelMichele.

You’ve got me on video, haven’t you?
OK, I'll play your game. How much do you want, to keep it off The Internet?

26: Where should I take Milky when she arrives in Blighty? -Bloo.

To the Prince Edward Tavern in Bayswater, 73 Princes Sq, W2 for a Guinness. I lived upstairs for two years.
Notting Hill is a 3-minute walk and Kensington Palace/ Gardens/ Hyde Park are just around the corner.

Also, take her to the Guinness Factory in Dublin for a Guinness.

27: If you weren't doing what you're doing now, then what would you be doing? -Bloo.

Actually working. Or, more likely, pretending to actually work.

28: What are you doing now? -Bloo.

This.

29: Are you going to answer the questions now? -Bloo.

I just did, man. Stop hassling me.