The other night I was reading Green Eggs And Ham to my daughter. My wife listened for a while, then interrupted: “Are you reading to our daughter, using your Eric Cartman voice?!”

Cartman is the only “voice” I can semi-pull off. And because of that, it has become my internal monologue voice of choice. When I read a book, I hear Cartman’s voice in my head. And therefore, whenever I read other people’s journals, they also come across as Cartman.

Which is why it’s been a little weird catching up with a couple of blog buddies on the phone.

Shannon, from the UK, has one of those “posh” Brit accents. Like whatever the appropriate female equivalent of Hugh Grant would be. I can’t think of any good examples at the moment and the aklsjfglasdjh Systems Department(!) has just blocked company access to Google.com for “offensive, pornographic reasons”.
Thinking, thinking, thinking… Princess Di, maybe?

Golf Widow, from Connecticut, has one of those American-Jewish accents going on. Made me think of the Seinfield sitcom, which is appropriate, I guess, because she is Funny. I think she may even be Jewish. Heh.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Real World Chats, but neither Shannon nor GW sounded remotely like Cartman at all, which, I gotta say, initially did my head in. I always find it hard trying to reconcile reality with the preconceived voices I hear in my head.

So Blogpeople, if I ever meet you, or speak to you in Real Life, could you please put on an Eric Cartman accent? It would be a real help. Thank you.

A few years ago, I was required to give a talk to representatives from minor sports clubs. Minor sports - You know, baseball, basketball, gridiron, soccer…

While I was addressing the group, I couldn’t help noticing this one guy staring at me. Like, totally Giving Me The Evils.

For the entire duration, this dick kept trying to Stare Me Out. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable.
Then, as I was preparing to get the hell out of there, Mr Rude Evil Eyes stops me.

I instinctively dropped into the Crouching Tiger Kung Fu stance and was all ready to Bruce Lee his ass, when I discovered that this poor chap was actually blind. In fact, he didn’t even have eyes. He wore glass eyeballs in his sockets to make him look “normal”.
He was there from a disabled sports group and wanted to thank me for taking the time to come down and talk to them.

Oh.

(I guess the dog and white cane SHOULD have been a giveaway...)

"Basically, when you write this week, try to incorporate a nugget of truth to tie it all together. It can be an original, or a quote from other Kung Fu masters, whatever you like. I find it's much more fun to make up my own confusing riddles, but hey, to each his own."

Dunno, sounds pretty hard. I'll try it in poem form.

Here goes:

"When a stranger gives you the Stink Eye, Grasshopper,
Perhaps you should stop and consider that
Perhaps they actually really want to be friends
And that That Eyeball is really a gift
And that you should instead say “Thanks”,
Instead of getting all Kung Fu on their ass.
Beefcake!"

Or, how about: You shouldn't throw stones if you have a glass eyeball. Beefcake!