Get this through your heads – Russell Crowe is NOT a New Zealander.

Sure, he was born here, and spent many of his formative teenage years in NZ, and has two famous NZ cricketing cousins. But he is technically an Australian.

This is because as soon as any New Zealander does anything remotely worthy of anything remotely famous – be it a mountain climbing, making music, or even being a great race horse or dessert food – our neighbours in Australia step in and claim him as one of their own.

This happened with Russell Crowe, back when he wasn’t such a Big Fucking Embarrassment. So, Australia, for the record, he’s all yours now. No Trade Backs. No Returns.

It’s not that the fact that he’s always throwing temper tantrums and getting into fights that we feel ashamed to be in any way linked with Crowe.
No way. Who here hasn’t ever thrown a phone at someone’s face in a fit of rage?
We love a bit of biffo. That’s why we go to rugby matches, pubs and family gatherings.

No, it’s because Russell Crowe is always throwing temper tantrums and getting into fights …. that he loses. Because Russell Crowe can’t fight for shit.

Word of Warning: If you’re going to continually get into scuffles, at least Do Us Proud.

Don’t do all these tough guy actor roles and then get in a fight in a UK toilet with a skinny NZ businessman and get your ass kicked.
And, for fecksake, don’t get your bodyguard to pin the guy’s arms behind his back just so you can get some hits in.
Loser.