You often hear people going on about how there’s always plenty of fish in the sea, but I’ve come to the realisation that those people have probably never spent any time on a boat trying to catch one.

At least, not in recent times.

Or if they know where this fabled plethora of fish is, they’re keeping the location to themselves. Which is just plain rude. And mean.

I remember when I was a little boy, I could go out and catch a fish that was almost as big as me.

When I go out these days, I’ve got little hope of catching one as big as me. Most don’t come up past knee height.

And you could catch a few thousand fish in one go.

Now, you can sit out there all day and be lucky if you caught a few hundred.

This is frustrating in a country, which, according to mythology, was once a giant fish itself.

I blame Eskimos and other ruthless commercial drift-netters for the drop in fish stocks.

And dolphins. They also eat a lot of fish.

I got a little revenge on the weekend, though.

It was a long weekend here. Which was unusual, because a long weekend coincided with a spell of fantastic weather for once.
So I, like most Aucklanders, headed for the bach, and a little bit of fishing.

I went out with my father and youngest bro in a small tin boat, which is only a little bit longer than the shark I caught last time we went fishing.

We didn’t catch much more than a nasty case of sunburn for the first couple of hours.

Then a commercial fishing vessel parked up next to us and chucked a huge net out.
If he was trying to piss us off on purpose, he succeeded.

So we snuck onboard his smelly boat, smacked him across the back of the head with an oar, then chopped his body up and threw his shark-bite sized remains overboard.

Before setting fire to his boat and sinking it, we decided to help ourselves to the contents of his net.

Which included a baby dolphin.

Baby dolphins are some good eating. They’re like normal dolphins, but a bit more tender.

But I thought D-Girl would get a kick out of having a pet, so I took it home and stuck it in the bath tub.

But D-Missus is a little annoyed with the whole situation because the bloody thing is eating us out of sardines and it’s been days since we’ve been able to give D-Girl a bath, so I’ve been told to throw the baby dolphin out with the bath water.

I’d like to recoup some of my costs though, so I’m putting the dolphin up for sale.

There’s been some interest from a Teppanyaki restaurant in town, but I’m aware that some suckers dolphin lovers out there might be horrified at that prospect, so I’m giving you all a chance to save this adorable little morsel porpoise cetacean.

Just one easy payment of NZ$10,000 will secure you your very own Hector’s Dolphin.

This dolphin is one of the rarest in the world, so it’s a bargain, really. I’m practically giving the thing away.
It’s a deal! It’s a steal! It’s the sale of the fucking century!

I’ll even throw in a free pack of sea monkeys and a Ginsu steak knife.

I am unable to provide photographic proof of the baby dolphin, however, as the camera batteries have gone flat. But, take my word for it - it is very cute indeed.

Now, simply email me your credit card/bank details and I’ll arrange delivery ASAP…

Teach a man to fish

Teach a man to fish
and one day the oceans will be bare.

Their ancestor wrestled with a monster
using a blood-baited hook
made from another's jaw
and his own flesh.

His catch was
so huge,
they built huts
on my homeland.

Haven't seen any that big since;
they get smaller
and sparser
with each passing ship.

Still,
No harm in trying...